not understand the world that I live in.
…that when your chemical highs have you feeling alive, well you’re dead. You’re already dead.”
I love States. (The band.)
This pretty much sums up everything I want to say to some people.
Wave after wave is pulling you down
You could surface if only you tried
Don’t let yourself sink to the depths of the sea
You’ll find light on the other side
Lyrics from a new song that I’m working on.
It’s a really important one. I want to get it right.
Sometimes there’s a clear solution to our problems, but we’re too afraid to make it happen—afraid of what we might lose. So we condemn ourselves to being unhappy, without even considering all there is to gain. That what this song is about.
I’ve started this post several times now. But I have so many thoughts that I can’t organize them into something that makes sense.
I suppose the bottom line, what it all comes down to is this:
This age that I’m at, the period of my life that I’m in, is supposed to be one of the best. Experiencing new places and people, and starting off in the direction that will determine what the rest of my life will be like. I have dreams and goals that I want to reach. But for many different reasons, I’m not doing enough to accomplish these things. I don’t want to look back on this time later in life and wish I had done things differently, or done more.
Today, I was so inspired to change things. I was ready, and excited to see what the future would hold for me. Then, however, I became extremely discouraged. I realized the intensity of the routine that I’m stuck in. And I’ve got other people stuck with me. Maybe they’re even more stuck than I am. Because of this, my relationships with people, most importantly God, have suffered, and I’m sure I’ve missed out on many new friendships. It’s complicated, because at the same time I’ve got way too much and not enough stuff going on. I don’t know why, but I’m scared to leave the comfort of this routine that I have. It would mean I’d have to change, maybe get rid of some things, be more outgoing, and totally re-prioritize.
Right now I’m still caught up in all this, so this entry won’t really have a conclusion or an answer. If you’re reading this, I hope you’re not going through the same thing, because I really don’t have any good advice to give. I apologize. But one thing I’m trying to focus on through all this is that I know God has a plan, and He wants to see me succeed. I just hope I take the right steps to make it happen.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
How I got into music…well, I’ll tell you.
Music has been a huge part of my life for so long. The interest has always been there. My parents have baby pictures of me sitting at a piano and posing with a neon pink, plastic guitar. When I was in kindergarten I got my first “real” guitar. It was a miniature with strings made of plastic or something. I had no idea how to use it. When I was in 3rd or 4th grade, I started talking about wanting a guitar, and made my dad sit down with his guitar and teach me a few chords. The first thing I learned how to play was “Sweet Home Alabama”. How cute…
In 5th grade, I decided that when I promoted to middle school, I would be in the band. I have no idea what made me decide that. I think at that time, being in band was actually considered “cool” among the 5th graders. So when I finally got to middle school, I started playing flute. Around this time, my grandparents bought be my first REAL guitar, and I started taking lessons. I caught on pretty fast.
I always sang, but I never really considered myself good at it. I distinctly remember the day my parents and I realized that I had some potential. We were in the car, and “Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson came on the radio, (I guess this would have been around 2004 when the song came out), and I was singing along as usual. My parents looked at each other, and then turned and looked at me. Embarrassed, I stopped singing and asked what was wrong. To my surprise, they said, “You can sing!” After that, I started singing with my best friend, Amy. She had (and still has) one of the most beautiful voices I’ve ever heard. The fact that she was so good kind of pushed me to continue singing and get better. Not in a competitive way, but because it was something that I knew we could both enjoy doing together. And we always have.
Throughout middle school and into high school, so many great things happened musically. Somehow I convinced my parents to buy me a drum set (I can’t even remember why I wanted one in the first place) and I taught myself how to play. At church camp one year, the worship leader asked me if I’d play bass. I tried to tell him that I had no idea how to play it, and that I’d never done it before. After about a 5 minute lesson, I guess I learned, because later that week I was playing with our worship band. After that, I continued playing in worship bands, singing and playing guitar, bass, and drums. In my high school band, I started playing percussion instruments for marching season, and in concert season, I decided I wanted to learn bassoon. Unfortunately, neither the band director or assistant director knew much about the bassoon, so I had to teach myself. After a few weeks, I pretty much had it down, and I loved it.
My senior year, somehow one of the counselors found out that I could play guitar and sing. She called me into her office and asked me if I would consider performing a song at the awards assembly. That scared me to death, but I agreed. The biggest audience I had played for was at church, probably 200 people at the most. The audience at the awards assembly would be significantly larger. Instead of singing a cover song, I decided to try and write a song. With the help of my good friend, Sigh, I co-wrote my very first song, called “Never Say Goodbye”, and performed it in front of at least 500 people.
Another great thing that happened during my senior year was that my dad came across some cheap recording software for our computer. I made myself a music Myspace, recorded some covers, and began adding random people from all over the Tulsa area, in hopes that someone would hear what I had recorded and like it. In June of 2009, I got a message from a guy named Cory who had an improv comedy group called TakeOne. They were looking for some openers for a performance. Of course, I agreed, and played my first show ever at The Tree in Claremore. It was so much fun, and I got invited back to play at the tree around 10 more times.
Since then, I’ve had so many great opportunities playing shows, writing music, playing in worship bands, being on the radio, recording songs, learning ukulele, and even taking cello lessons and a recording class for a semester. I’m so thankful for all this that I’ve been blessed with. I definitely know that I’m not the best singer or musician around, but just this small amount of talent that God has given me has brought so much comfort, joy, and fun to me, my family, and my friends. There are so many people, close friends, family, and even acquaintances who have helped me get to where I am today. I’m so thankful that God for put these people in my life.
Thanks for reading. :]
I had a few posts on here before, but they didn’t really mean anything. They were mostly one-sentences summaries of my day, pictures, or thoughts and stories from other people. I deleted them all. I’ve decided that if I’m going to have a blog and expect people to read and enjoy it (including myself), I need to make it worth reading. So this is the beginning of something new. I’m not sure what direction this blog will take—if there will be a theme, or if it will just be an account of thoughts, dreams, and events that I want to remember—but it will be more than what it was. I guess you could say that lately my outlook on life has been exactly that—to be more than what I was. To improve and move forward every day. And not just move forward in time…that’s inevitable. But to move forward toward the person I want to be, toward the dreams I want to achieve, and toward the strong faith that I’ve fallen short of for so long. A new beginning.
I had a few posts on here before, but they didn’t really mean anything. They were mostly one-sentences summaries of my day, pictures, or thoughts and stories from other people. I deleted them all. I’ve decided that if I’m going to have a blog and expect people to read and enjoy it (including myself), I need to make it worth reading.
So this is the beginning of something new. I’m not sure what direction this blog will take—if there will be a theme, or if it will just be an account of thoughts, dreams, and events that I want to remember—but it will be more than what it was.
I guess you could say that lately my outlook on life has been exactly that—to be more than what I was. To improve and move forward every day. And not just move forward in time…that’s inevitable. But to move forward toward the person I want to be, toward the dreams I want to achieve, and toward the strong faith that I’ve fallen short of for so long.
A new beginning.